In April 2013, my husband and I confronted an issue I had long sought to avoid. The issue of our finances has always been a sore, dreadful subject. We have robbed Peter to pay Paul and had never really been on a budget. We’ve been overdrawn, bankrupt and pressing on – moving right along – trying to make it work while digging a deeper hole to finally fall into.
On that Tuesday morning the long dreaded reality greeted us rudely with the culmination of years and years of poor choices and ignoring the problem. You see the problem has never been money – it is that we have never been in agreement about where we are with our money. And, to be completely honest I’ve made a lot of choices based on fear and selfishness.
After a full day of grieving and getting discouraging news, I found myself repenting to God and my husband, looking for a way to work things out prayerfully. We were seeking to find a solution that may benefit us long term. That morning we realized there is always a price to be paid.
You see – I have a destiny to get to, a dream to be fulfilled, but this one thing that so rudely interrupted my life on that day threatened to undo all of it. I knew I needed to unpack the issue with my husband for months. I even told him months before I wanted to lay it all out for him so he would know. The more I considered doing that, the more fearful I became. After all, it is my mess and he would have to help me clean it up -no doubt. The question, the lingering fear, remained. “What if he doesn’t want to be my husband anymore?”
As I worked through the painful reality I created, I spoke regularly with a friend who is counseling me and keeping me accountable. She helped me see this is the thing that is keeping me from moving to the next level. Painful and dreadful as it is, this had to be dealt with. I find myself so grateful for the revelation that has come through such painful realities.
After the first 24 hours passed, I found myself feeling relieved. Having all of it out there – on the table. Drawn into the light, I realize it is bad. It is what it is. But, it is not as bad as I had imagined it.
All locked up in the closet of my mind this monster of a mess grew bigger and bigger-more intimidating and fearful to me. I remained divided. I wanted desperately to unpack the issues and lay them bare. But, at the same time, I feared the outcome – the unknown. Paralyzed. I knew God wanted me to move, but I could not find my way to do it. Life patterns and my flesh overruled my spirit at every turn.
That is until Tuesday… When I had the choice. COVER UP. PRETEND. DENY and PROJECT. Or come clean. Confess, repent and move ahead. You know God is often about the process and not just the results. As I have repented, confessed, and laid out what I’ve tried to keep hidden all these years – as I examined myself alongside it.
That’s when it happened.
God began to move on our behalf. He reduced the overwhelming to what became possible, even probable. Waiting on His timing and learning patience, I have walked the path as one learning, but I would not trade these last few years for anything. I look back to the day when a necessary and dreadful thing came to light, but it is also revealed the next step to the greatness I am destined to live in and so I press on.
In the last four years I realized God cannot redeem what I will not openly address and present to Him. He cannot work and move to restore until I seek His face and submit it to Him. Until I get real, take responsibility and allow Him to show me what needs to go of my flesh in order that I may more fully become who He created me to be.
I also have to step back, give up control and let Scott take the lead. I had not ever been in that situation before. I had to release my idea of who Scott is, so he, too, could discover who God created Him to be. Releasing my strangle-hold on my idea of how it should work proved incredibly difficult. Scott and I had to work at negotiating the peace and unity needed in these months since that day. Everyday I look back on our life and realize I have so much to be grateful to God for in my life.
After it got real and we took responsibility – we had to be willing to accept the consequences and pay the price. In my heart – the answer is yes – always yes. Some days, the struggle is still real – my spirit is always willing, but, in my mind, I have ongoing, long drawn out conversations and debates about what to do.
These lessons we’ve learned are invaluable to my dream goals and my hopes for the future. In creating an atmosphere where your wildest dreams come true one must commit to: 1.) Owning the dream and taking the responsibility for the actions required to see that dream become a reality; and 2.) be willing to pay the price. Taking the risk and making the sacrifices until seeing that dream bear fruit, or God releases you from the burden. His ways remain better and higher than my own. So grateful for confrontation, a loving God who cares deeply for us and a husband who lives so gracefully with me.
- What is the Holy Spirit speaking to you about today?
- Is there something you’ve been secretly struggling with or dreading the day it comes to the light?
- Is there a Scripture that you are hearing in your heart right now?
Take some time to journal through your answers and listen to God’s heart for you.
In Full Bloom,